when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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