I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize