ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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