is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
