You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
