whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
