I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
