I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
two words...techno handjob
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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