I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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