I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
