His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize