rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
