dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
