Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
