This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize