Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
