He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
