Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
