on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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