Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize