the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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