I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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