Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
