Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
