I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
