its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just want nice things and good sex
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
