apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
