You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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