I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
