My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
