you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
