I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize