and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she looked like the before picture.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize