I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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