There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
