oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
