He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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