In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
