Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
