my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
