I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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