I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
