WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
