my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
