Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize