I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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