Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
