you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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