Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
