My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
pop tarts are not kleenex
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
