I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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