i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
