I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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