Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
