I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
