She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
