i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
