you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm really busy with my period
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