I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
