She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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