I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
