The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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