I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
